For the past few months I have been suffering from a perianal abscess and fistula. I have had surgery twice, most recently two weeks ago (drainage) and I am due for further surgery in two weeks (re the fistula).
Since my most recent surgery, my self-esteem has just shattered. Prior to that, I was in so much pain (I had been prescribed endone) and was so excited about having surgery. Since my having the abscess drained, I have been struggling enormously. I feel so disgusting. I suppose that now my mind is no longer focussed on the pain, it can turn itself to other things. My abscess leaks constantly and I have to wear pads. I wake up throughout the night and have to get up to wipe it with tissues. When I wake up, I feel paranoid about the smell. If i don't wipe frequently enough, I get a painful rash and blisters from the moisture.
I just feel so disgusting and I can't stop crying. I know it seems stupid as I am otherwise healthy. I don't know why it is affecting me so much.
I am a 29 year old female and I live with my partner. I won't let him touch me because I feel so gross and he is becoming impatient as we have not been intimate in so long and I am not able to tell him when I will be able to again. Last night, I told him he should just sleep with somebody else and not tell me.
I feel so ashamed also that something seemingly trivial is affecting me so much. And I just feel so sad. And I wish I could talk to somebody about this but I am too embarrassed.
My surgeon is fantastic and I am grateful for that. He has been very accommodating in terms of booking appointments etc. He thinks I may have Crohn's. My fistula still requires treatment and I also have a fissure. I hope they can both be sorted when I next go in for surgery. I know everything is going to take a while. In addition, I have exhausted my savings on appointments and surgery so it won't be long before I have financial stress also.
I would really be grateful for some advice. Most of the time when I am alone I just cry. I know it sounds stupid. My work is really stressful so I don't think about it too much when I am working. I used to relish the weekends but now they terrify me as they give me time to think and I have nothing to distract me from my sadness.
Thanks for reading.